I thought the magical afternoon in Haiti on the mountain top listening to guitar as the neighbor kids came to join us on that sunny windy warm majestic day was the highlight of my life. The most serene moviesk time ever!
Not that they can be compared, but never have I ever seen such lush green as I have in Eastern Ecuador! Ugh! You can’t possibly imagine it! Walking over our swaying bridge, water rushing under neath. The whole 5 hour trip down was magic. First the busy city, then came the lush massive hills one after the other, an overpowering sense of wonder! So much to look at! Waterfalls, tunnels, cliffs, volcanoes! It was all so incomprehensible! That moment you can’t ever capture with a camera.
If your looking to vacation in the outdoors, here’s your stop.
So we drove down to Shell, it’s like jungle, but they like to call it the east. We were in a small small town and stayed at the guest house, me and Ellie that is, she’s the social media girl at HQ.
It was so nice having another person around! I mean, I can handle myself alright, but it’s way more relaxing and way more fun to have someone along so you can both figure stuff out and have someone to share the experience with!
The first day we arrived, we went to our rooms and went food hunting. It was really neat just seeing daily life. the color in Ecuador, the sounds. It all makes me smile! 
We ate fried chicken beans and rice. Only $3 ish too!
I had some meetings over the weekend with a few of the water projects/ community development guys and the hospital. It’s amazing to see the passion here. I just wish I had the chance to work in a community like that. I can’t help but feel like an outsider coming in for just 10 days to shoot some video and get out.
You don’t want to know meeting details, it’s fun for me, boring for you. I will describe one aspect however.
When asking about water projects, specifically the one’s in the jungle, I asked if there is one that they had in mind that represented their vision and their work. One we could film to help represent their mission.
Now, I have the name written down somewhere, but they started to describe a community like this:
30 minutes by MAF plane, three days minimum, if there’s rain probably more.
Small communities of 20-30families.
One small airstrip, soccer field, they eat chicken, small fish, and grubs
We will probably get worms and parasites
Super rural, super small
Community plopped right in the jungle.
This may scare some, maybe I’m just dumb and naive. I’m just super super excited to finally have a challenge like this! All my life I’ve wanted to live the hard life! I don’t know, maybe I will like it. Maybe I just want to know I can do it and survive. I don’t know. At any rate that’s not the point. Adventure is not the end all.
The point is the work the other people are doing. These engineers and community development guys and gals are doing inovative work to get this stuff up and running. In an area that is pretty much a rain forest and in a community where you don’t have tin roofs to count on, and it’s completely isolated, it complicates things. These people don’t even use money!!! Seriously!
They are going at a self-sustaining approach. Not doing it for them, but teaching them, helping them, and allowing them to play a role so there is ownership.
It’s way more than a water project. It’s giving these people a sense of accomplishment, empowering them to be motivated to try after other dreams! Through these projects people realize that they aren’t stuck or stupid, but they can make a difference if they work together!
Besides that. these developers are showing Christ in their work. By caring for the needs of the people. Really caring and not just slapping something together to feel good, they are being a tangible outreach. Many of these people have an idea of Christ, and unfortunately in the past they have gotten a bad idea of what that meant.
You know, for so long I’ve felt this subtle persecution for having a passion for community development. Like it’s not real Christian work and it’s being ashamed of the Gospel. So not true! We need to stop pretending that we are what bring people to Christ. I have heard so many stories from these people about open doors from just loving people and providing from their need.
Have faith that God doesn’t need you! So many times the Bible talks about providing for the needy, helping the poor. What sort of Gospel are we living out if all we care about is getting another person crossed off as a Christian? Loving God means you love people. Loving people means you don’t want them to suffer if you can help it and that means you want to keep them out of hell and certain kinds of poverty.
Man, just being here, talking with people, I am so blown away. Ever since Haiti I’ve realized how much I have to learn with community development. I thought I knew so much, now I feel a bit like an idiot. It’s so complicated. Trying to not create dependance, giving dignity, going about development through a cultural context, not bringing in your own American opinion thinking it’s the solution. Eeek, been challenged a lot this trip. Right when I feel like I’m in the in crowd I realize how dumb I am in not knowing a lot of the basic ethics and morals behind community development. It really is rocket science.
Annnnnnyyy waaayyyy….Amazing trip, wonderful time, amazing time walking around experiencing life without a tour guide! 
I’m now back in Quito, tomorrow is the last day of meetings, then it’s back home. I guess I’m ready for it.
Welp, that’s about it, so peace out! 
Don’t get to do photography a lot, but a couple asked me to do some photography for them. We went to this gorgeous garden! I could frolic in it all day!!! Seriously, amazing!
botanical gardens in quito, gotta love nature!
Dear God,
What a huge world you’ve made. Who am I in all this, every town we pass by, through every enormous hill. They don’t even know I exist. They probably know nothing about anyone even from my county, and neither we them.
Someday, no one will remember me. Only you…
All the sounds, the stereos bungie corded to the back of a pickup, the sound of the water and the rhythmic relaxing chirps of all the creatures of the forest as I walk over the swaying bridge at night. Being so far from all that know my existence, I’m so overwhelmed by yours.
You are doing so much here, loving so much. Such amazing people I can only hope to comprehend.
God, who are you here? How to these people see you? What do they know that I don’t? What does there world look like with you in it?
So much to be uncovered, an atom in all the atoms in the world. A small portion that you care deeply about. How can you know them all? Love them all, in the billions? Who you are and what you are doing is far beyond all the Christians combined. I realize more and more how much you don’t need me. How small a part I play. And that’s okay. Because I keep reminding myself that it’s not what I do, it’s just loving you. Your the savior, and I give that up to you.
What you have given me to do, Lord, I’m overwhelmed, but I already see your hand to use my flaws to show yourself. God, your so amazing! All that I see here! All that fascinates me, makes me want to burst, to share, Lord the stories I’ve heard! All that I want to express, your gonna make that happen! Lord I can’t believe your using me like this! I feel so useless, like I’m just trying to make it, but you keep pressing me forward. For some reason you want me to do this and I don’t understand because I know there are far more capable people in the world. Thank you Lord, please help me never forget that.
Lord no matter what, thank you. I’m yours, no matter what. No matter what I have to give up to follow you, Lord I’m yours. Please whack me over the head when I get stupid, when I get selfish. Please remind me over and over again that your the reason, that you love me. I get so frustrated with myself when I can’t see your love, when I get so selfish, so absorbed in my little piece of life. Lord I can be so silly. I hope that how I feel and what I do don’t match, help me to choose you.
I feel like I can’t gives specifics, I don’t know, but I have this feeling of perfect piece and joy right now knowing you are here. As scary as it is at times, Lord thank you.
Ugh! I just want hang out with you! I wish I could hear your voice, ask you question. I know I know, your Word, but God I have a feeling you know what I mean…
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Today was beautiful, the sun, the rain, the meetings, the eating of exotic foods on the street! Who could beat it. Though last night was full of tossing turning, and pounding pain neck above….END OF POST
Holy paper cut batman! Emily is reading a book!!!!
Yep… Foreign to Familiar. Yes I can read just so you know. Basically it talks about the difference between cold and hot cultures. And no I’m not talking about the temperature.
In practically getting a class and a trip away from a double major in Intercultural Studies, I had plenty of class time devoted to learning about culture. Well…accept the classes after lunch, or night classes. Those classes I was pinching myself literally to stay awake and probably looked like I was on drugs because of the pre-sleep convolutions, constant wavering, and half opened crossed eyes.
I felt so guilty…but that’s not the point.
Culture defines us, no matter how immune or unique we think we are, we fit within our culture and hold it’s values. We will never change, never truly adapt to another culture. Culture goes to the core of a person and shapes how they view the world.
So back to the hot and cold stuff. Basically, hot climate cultures are cultures that are relational, and maintaining relationships is the most important. For cold climate cultures, the task at hand is the goal.
First of all, everyone is really different. Even though I feel like I can relate to a lot of Hot cultures in the sense that I try to maintain relationships over tasks. But then I read the section about cold climates wanting to know the truth and not just hear what will maintain a relationship.
I could tell right away when I read a part in the book that went something like this, “I was on a plane, and the stewardess asked if I would like coffee or tea. I said coffee, then she said that they didn’t have any coffee.” My first gut reaction was, “then why did you offer it?” because accuracy is important and when it’s not it offends the cold climate.
Okay, so here I am as a filmmaker in Ecuador. How do I apply these basic principals to finding good stories and getting honest answers?
One aspect that really hit me was the portion on direct and indirect communication. Heard of this before, but I learned a lot reviewing and hearing different angles. Basically in cold climates, there is direct statements of truth. I see this on my mom’s side of the family. Value of truth over feelings. Accuracy over saving face or being hospitable. Hot climates value relationships and helping a person feel good, avoiding embarrassment and being friendly and hospitable.
One example is that you should never directly ask an indirect person to do something, or ask if something is wrong. Automatically they will do whatever is better for the relationship if you approach them directly. They will say yes to an interview even if they don’t want to be on camera.
It’s better to ask a person to go on your behalf to see if it’s alright… If you think this is stupid then you have a lot to learn. Just because something is different doesn’t mean it’s wrong. There are pros and cons to everything.
Anyway… This value of relationship in Latin America. In cold climates, we walk in a store say what we need and no chit chat… Here we greet people with kisses and ask how they are doing before we ask for their help with something.
You have no idea how many people i’ve kissed here! Haha, their idea of space and touch are completely opposite to ours!
Example, I was walking to the compound from the Guest House, I saw a lady getting to the gate just before I would. I walked in behind her and said hello and thank you. I kinda tried to help close the door, but she had it so I walked, she followed behind me up the stairs and to the back where both our offices were. After she passed, a few moments later I heard her talking to a lady, I heard, “la porta” or whatever, which I know for a fact means door.
The whole time from the point I went to enter the gate to when I got to my office was so akward, I should have greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and paid more attention to her! Even when I bought my roses on the street today, I was nervous so I just handed her a dollar and let her pick it out and said thank you. Really I should have interacted with her more and made the relationship more of a point than the purchasing of the flowers.
You know, books are easy, it’s the application that’s hard. So many things your too nervous to think about, or maybe wouldn’t even think of to begin with.
I can see how these two very different mind sets can cause a lot of confusion and offense. I really hope to find the best cultural approach when trying to do video work this summer. According to this book, if I am too direct, I may get lied to. Not because they are making fun of the gringo, but because that’s what a good person does to maintain balance in relationship, tell them what they want to hear. The last thing I want is to pressure people to say what I want them to!
Learning a lot about Latin American Culture. Even though it’s a modern city, the people in that city are very different from anything I would find in the typical American….It’s like I’m in a totally different culture….hmmmm…lol
On the nerdier side of things (as if they could get any nerdier) I have been working with ISO and shutter speed on my camera and the general mechanics and settings on my canon 60D. (pushes glasses up). Mostly in the past I’ve focused on the basics and working with composition and all. It’s all complicated, but simple once you understand the rules. Ugh, there’s so much to learn. I wonder if I will ever master the art of video and photography.
Welp, that about does it for this blog.
Challenge for the day: Look up Hot and Cold Climate Cultures, and try to identify those in the dynamics of your relationships with you and your friends or family!
Gladiator makes me want to die with honor. What is it about duty, honor, and sacrifice that is so intriguing. Death is the ultimate test. Where your heart is.
I wonder what it’s like to choose something that in the end will kill you. To think of all the people who stand up for their faith. It’s not always a quick and painless death. Who knows what unimaginable things people have had to endure for years, and yet still went with honor, standing firm for what they believe in.
Twice I’ve dreamed that I was dying. Once I dreampt that a tornado had picked up the house, and we were falling to our death. The other time, we were in this really tall truck and people were throwing rocks at us. Both times, as scary as the dreams were, my reaction was the same. As soon as I knew that was it, I started thanking God for everything and telling Him how much I loved Him.
I don’t even know how to describe it, I can’t think of the words. Even though it wasn’t real, it was such a comfort and affirmation to me, that when it came down to it, I was praising God.
Good deaths come from sacrificial living. What good would the gladiator’s death be had he not lived his life for a purpose. In the same way, if I’m not sacrificing my life everyday, what good a person could I be when I die. Not that I am good, but I am given a choice.
What little I know about the world…About the sacrifice. I say I’ve waited for so many things, been patient, given up to take the hard road…What do I know!? What I know of loss?
I’ve heard people say that God doesn’t want bad things to happen. Yes, I know that He doesn’t want us to get hurt and all…But I couldn’t stand my life without hardships. So much of what we know of God’s character is in the hardships.
James 2…Ever since I read it, it’s stuck in my mind and has been a comfort for me ever since. I can’t even begin to realize how much the hurt in life has formed me, has brought me closer to God. I remember being so overwhelmed with loneliness a few years ago. being away for 8 months, constantly being put in new places, knowing nobody. That point in life where you question the legitimacy of any past friendship. Being so far away, wondering if there was anyone left who knew me. It’s not knowing, but being unknown that makes a person lonely.
But out of that loneliness, I had no where to go but to God. I began to wonder if this was to be my life, a multitude of superficial, unhonest relationships. Not that we lied, only we could never truly feel comfortable enough to be ourselves. I missed those moments of just lounging around and saying what’s on your mind.
At the time I was so afraid, so guarded with insecurity. Nothing but new all around, nothing felt like home, not even home itself. It was such a dark time….
Yet out of that dark time, God released me from myself. I was forced to just let go and risk being annoying or unwelcome and just be myself around people. God taught me to come to him with my need. By having to be in new places, God has in his fantastically awesome way, worked me into being more adaptable, even in tougher situations.
I would never be as social as I am now if it wasn’t for the work God did in me through that time. All the hurt, the pain, the crying out was worth it. It was worth all that to become who I am now.
Even deeper in my past, the pain and injustice. I would never have the understanding that I have now. I have so much to learn, but know that if it wasn’t for the pain of the past, I would not care in the present.
In the same way. As I look at my life now, wondering if the tasks ahead are more than I can manage, I think back to those years and how they formed me, I think of the great sacrifice in the world, and above all, in the most sincere way, I think of how much Christ has done. Every moment on the cross, he chose to stay. In all his life, during the living, he gave up to follow his father. In every way we are tempted, he faced that. And with honor and dignity he stood up and fought it even to death.
He didn’t defend himself, but he stayed determined to fight for someone else. How many times do we fight for others. Not just in speaking out, but going out of the way to love somebody. How many times do I do that?
God help me not to be too busy. What’s the point in all this if I’m too busy. Seeing how to love people can be so hard sometimes and simple other times. At times I just ache wanting to reach out to someone but don’t know how. I wish like gladiator I could battle for them, bleed for them. But violence is all to simple and easy. Loving people is so complicated. It’s no longer just doing what your supposed to, but believing in it, truly loving the person.
People are not a task….
Am I just doing tasks? Am I really helping? I know I am, it’s just so hard to see at times. Maybe I’m not being patient enough to allow God to develop relationships enough for me to see…
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Where are you at?
Where am I at? Where are we at?
How am I dying to myself everyday, do I even care? The day is not full of life endings, but just blan life. There is no epic point to choose to die for your countrymen. Just plain, average people. I can imagine all the honor and sacrifice of martyrdom, but a life not lived is a wasted life!
I know I say this a lot but I need to hear it again and again, this is the battle field! Every moment of every day is our chance to stand up, to not get caught up in the details but fight our way through knowing that none of it matters! If God is God, and we only have one shot at life, what are we doing wasting it on petty arguments and judgements full of hate? What are we doing playing pretend when all the world seems to be in triage.
But how can I? How can I be all that? How could I ever stay focused enough? How could I not let the details get to me? I fail all the time! My own selfish motives my worst enemy. Why can’t that piece hidden inside of me stay silent when all my heart says to give it all? I manipulate myself, I don’t even know at times what I truly feel. We all are that way.
Not that it’s okay, but it’s okay. We were never meant to bear the world. We were never to be it’s savior, not even the cause for change. The only good we can do is make the choice. God knows we fail, and he still loves us. Even when we spit in his face and yell bitter angry words, he’s still there. Such loyalty we will never represent. A loyalty and love so pure we couldn’t begin to understand.
God knows I fail. But he knows I love him and that my true desire is to follow him. I guess what I am trying to say is that it’s never too late. No matter how old you are, no matter how much you feel like you failed, there’s still a battle going on out there. You can choose right now to risk it all. Don’t lie to yourself, don’t tell me you just can’t, that there’s something holding you back.
If there’s something you think God wants you to do just shut up and get out that door. I don’t care if your 13, 23, or 66. We only have one life to make a difference. If your dealing with something hard, get the help and seek him so that once your healed you can help others. Don’t live a restrained life weighing yourself down on a lie. God’s already equipped you, go.
I know plenty of people weighed down by hurt, even in your pain, God can use you! Share it, and look for him with others!
We can play the martyr and hope to have an honorable death, a one time deal, or we can live our life, doing all we can to continue the legacy Christ has and is leaving on this earth. Someday we will all be forgotten, in the end of times, only God will be recognized.
I tell this to myself, but also in love hope this is helpful for you in someway.
I’m so lame! I’m writing this blog because there’s no one to talk to! 
It’s Saturday, and there’s nothing going on today…I’m in a foreign country and I’m thinking about staying in!!!? LAME EMILY!!!!
So what can I do that isn’t stupid/putting my dumb American self in danger? I don’t know a lick of spanish so that complicates things, but I definitely want to go on an adventure and not just work on figuring out intern stuff. ok…hmmm…Maybe a movie theater? I really want to walk up one of the hills and sit up there for a while. Darn it, I’m so lame! I guess it would be way different if someone else was here.
Maybe I should just walk around, get lost, and then take a taxi back? Now that sounds like that would be fun! But probably frowned upon? idk. No one at the house speaks English, maybe I should call and ask someone?
Really wish I knew Spanish…EMILY!!!! YOUR THE LAMEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!!!!
Hey! No way!!! This guy in a big white van just pulled up! I think he wants me to get in! Yay! I found a friend! doo dee doo! I don’t know him, but he looks nice! Hey there! I’m looking for an adventure, wanna hang out?
Hey, whatcha doin with those ropes your tying my feet up with… ooo, this looks fun, I wanna try, your not tying it tight enough! This is a fun game! Doo dee doo!
Rescate, what’s that mean? Hey who you callin? What does, ” Tienes el dinero” mean? Boy this is fun!
….. JK! No Emily’s were harmed in the making of this blog….
OOOO! Just went down to eat breakfast, and it hit me, I can call DeNiese, who’s out of town but has a roommate who she said might want to hang out! That’s sounds like a better idea then frolicking like an idiot around a foreign city! Even though getting lost and having to find my way back does sound really fun!
Alright, we shall see, thanks for being a friend and listening to me talk to nobody!
ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!
I am in this strange vortex of being out of breath (high altitude) and wanting to play tennis or something.
Any who, had fantastically amazing meetings today! I met with Control Z to talk through potential projects and get an idea for the vision. Basically, they are reaching Latin American youth through an interactive website where people can “rant” about topics. This is a sort of back door approach to reaching people with the Gospel.
They want a promotional video, and a more film style video on the topic of cyber bullying. This is great because we will have a direct path to ministry. Lots of times all I do is promo work, so it’s nice to be able to do some direct ministry work.
Anywho, really great to see the innovative ways HCJB is doing ministry here.
One of my deepest passions in ministry is community development. I was able to meet with the current director of that ministry today. He does a lot of video work using what he’s got, but he has a real passion and a drive for it. One of the ways I feel I can help here is in training. Really excited to be able to interact with him more and help where I can.
So not only will I be able to help with that, but our video team will be able to do some video work for a much needed promo. It’s so cool to see the passion and the life changing through all this. For this ministry it’s not just giving clean water, I don’t think I would stop to say it’s empowering. It’s much more. When a community comes together, works on a project, they build confidence. When people face a life with complex challenges and often can’t make much change in life. To be able to work together and see change happen in the community. People aren’t just maintaining their water systems, but their going after other dreams.
He listed that some were making cheese factories and other kinds of businesses. Having clean water doesn’t just keep people healthy, it gives them the time they would have spent trying to get water to use for more income generating stuff.
Ugh! SO EXCITED TO BE PART OF THIS! We talked for a while, story after story about the impact, the strong belief in working with the nationals and putting it in their hands. They even look for their advise, which is really rare in organizations.
It was so encouraging, and such a good reminder of why I’m here. I’m here to love people, even if it’s indirect. It’s hard to see the connection at times but the chain reaction is so clear. A person may know nothing about a ministry, may not take the time to care and look up information. But a video that not just tells the mission, but tells the stories of the people they are impacting. God can use that! He used that in my life. It’s my hope that God will use these videos to motivate others to compassion, so much that they feel they need to do something. Not out of guilt, not out of shame, not out of a sense of desperation, but because of the hope they see, and the work they can tell God is doing here already.
Great meetings! This gave better definition to what exactly the need is, what needs to be said, and all that jazz. We are so going to have our work cut out for us. It’s going to be really intense, The water projects are all over the country. Some are in the jungle, by the ocean, and in the mountains. Each is 4-7hours of travel. To get to the jungle we would have to take an MAF flight. Logistically this is going to be very complicated. This is just one project. But with the right amount of connections and problemsolving I think it’s totally doable.
…..
Oops! Sorry, way too much listing stuff, bad for blogging! Super boring! Fun for me, not for you!
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THE CULTURE
Finding my intercultural studies classes were a big help. In general, things are a bit on the fly, relationships are so essential. It’s cool to get a glimpse of Ecuadorian culture, though I will be first to say I know nothing. I know generalizations, but for the most part, I’ve had most of my experience in a more “African” culture.
One fascinating thing is that the driving laws are loosly held. In Africa and Haiti, it was, “do what you want, just let people know”. Here they have all the stop lights and labels, but cars will run red lights when it’s convenient and they will squeeze in and cut people off when they feel like it.
Oh yeah, and of course the lines. American culture is very much about order. Here it’s acceptable to cut and stuff. Which goes completely against all we know.
Sometimes I find myself going to the judging aspect before understanding, which is totally normal, but should be nipped in the bud. You spend your whole life learning what’s what. Deciphering social information and learning how to interpret it. Maybe a smile means happy to us, but maybe it means nervous to someone else.
Oh! One big cultural mistake I think I keep making! I am a fairly expressive person, I use a lot of extreme language. I don’t not like something, I hate it. Not that I actually hate it, I just say it like that.
Well, I’m pretty sure but could be wrong that in this culture strong words like hate are bad to say. Maybe that was African culture, I can’t remember. At any rate, pretty sure I’m messing everything up from greeting, to conversation, to body language, and anything else to do with culture.
But all that is okay. Never take yourself too seriously, you have to be alright with making mistakes or you will go crazy with discouragement!
Speaking of making mistakes, I totally have to do some video work tonight I said I would do! Shoot! Got to go, final cut pro is calling me!
I know! I know! I’m a horrible person! I’ve neglected any communication with the outside world! Life has been super fantastic and super hectic all at once.
So why did I wake up at 5 am this morning to travel all day and end up in a random city called Quito?
Well, we have been planning to take 3 students down to Ecuador for six weeks during the summer. Seeing that I’ve never been here, and trying to planning a ton of videos that will be focused on a more Ecuadorian audience, I really felt it would be best to come.
Relationships are so important, and communication is so easily messed up, especially at a distance. The last thing I wanted to do was bring a team of students and feel like I was imposing, or the whole “their side our side” kinda deal.
It’s hard for me to not feel separate when I don’t have a face to the name. It will be so great to get to talk to everyone here and understand what their need is for video so I don’t come in with my own agenda.
Over the next two weeks, I will be meeting with several of the contact missionaries, training in video production, shooting for a radio station, visiting the various water projects and the hospital down in shell.
Please pray that I can be all in, excited, and all ears, and that trust would be built and a sense of togetherness and collaboration. Also pray I don’t get sick or something.
—-NOW I’M JUST GOING TO BLAB TO GET MY THOUGHTS OUT—–
Alright, you can stop reading if you just wanted to get the gist of what I am doing. But I’m just going to journal my thoughts down to help me process.
Breath Emily breath! I feel like I just decided to come here two days ago! Things have gone by so fast. I know what I’m here for and all but man, didn’t think through any of what it would be like here.
Just going on the 15hourish travel got me thinking… I often like to stare out the window, think about where we stand in all this mess. Everything looks so square in the midwest, each person managing their square of ground, managing their life issues in light of what seems important at the time.
Did I get caught up in it all? So much of doing work for God, that the task takes His place? In all this, He’s the reason. Just sitting on the plane gave me time to think. Sure it might seem like I’m making sacrifice and doing “His work”, but what’s the point if He doesn’t have me? Am I really making everyday count? Having to sit all day made me think I had completely through away a whole day.
What did I do for God in sitting there? Maybe I could have brought up God more.
Well hold that one second, I know I have a tendency to be a wee bit extreme. I’m an all or nothing kinda person sometimes. Not in thinking things as black and white, only when it comes to moral personal convictions.
I’m the girl that admires the martyrs and dreams of having the chance to make such a sacrifice. To give it all, because if you truly believe, wouldn’t you go to any length to live that out? This is a battle, you have to be determined, because the moment you let go, that’s when you become stagnant!
See where I get to be extreme…Meh, I do hold that, but I know that beating myself up and having this tyrant martyrdom character telling me I’m a horrible person isn’t good either. Balance Emily…
Yes, I had to sit in silence, being of no “obvious use”. Maybe God didn’t intend for me to be verbal. I had a lot of time to evaluate my need to spend time with Him. I had a lot of time to admit I’m scared about all this, and how much I need Him to just take over and use me. That ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I have or have “accomplished” is my doing.
Not only for the task, but emotionally and spiritually. I need God so much, or else I completely mess things up internally and with “His work”.
Emily, it’s not your fault there wasn’t opportunity, God wants you to seek Him first. He is the one the creates change, that makes a difference.
I think of this little country of Ecuador, in all the world, in all the people, there are so many people to care about, to have compassion for, to think about all the time. Cambodia, Haiti, the CAR, the US. Billions of people that people need to be passionate about. It’s all to big a task for my hand. No one, not even all of us is enough.
That God covers all of the world in His love, that He sustains even the water molecules sticking together as those fluffy clouds in the sky. That all of life is made of atoms, and invisible forces….
(Emily pushes up her thick nerd glasses and then laughs a snort)
Boy, I sure am talking to myself a lot in this blog…
Anywho, realized a lot about myself. I just felt myself feeling this overwhelming desire to understand God more. To know how He really views things. As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’ve really struggled with viewing God as this angry father figure waiting for me to fail so he has yet another reason to yell and be mad at me. I’ve challenged myself a lot with that over the past year, only to uncover other possible misconceptions about God. How does He feel when I get caught up in all the busy work? How does He feel when I feel good about “my accomplishments”? Does He get mad at me when I ignore Him? When I don’t give things to Him and trust Him? Where do you work spiritually? Supernaturally? Am I limiting your power? What does it mean to be Holy, yet loving? Where is the balance between allowing people to learn at their own pace, and not allowing God to be misrepresented? What’s important to you? Who are you really?
I don’t know, just a few of the random thoughts going through my mind. Haha, normally after going through all this intellectual stuff I would try and do something goofy, but alas, I am tired.
All in all, I am so so happy, and so excited to be here. God is so awesome! Sometimes the sacrifices are hard to make, and I can’t help but want. But then when I get here, I realize how selfish I was in the first place, I can’t believe God is actually using me in this way. I always fantasized about being part of mission work and video, never did I imagine that God would use both. In all the stress, the responsibility, the things given up and waited for…this is worth it, He is worth it.
Please know our relationship with God is what matters. What’s the point of work without heart? Please pray that I can be honest with God, and keep to the basics and the purpose. I’m so scared of getting lost in the chaos.
Speaking of scared, totally nervous about all the equipment, I am watching it like a mother to a new born. If you can pry it off my dead, kung fu grip fingers after I bite you like schmeagle, then you can have it. So excited to train people in video! As always, I feel so incompetent, but God will use me none the less.
I was totally thinking about wanting to teach nationals a few months ago! How awesome is that! Who better to reach the Ecuadorians but an Ecuadorian, they are competent, they know what speaks, and besides, what a great perspective!
A lot of film making is from an American perspective. What we value, what we see as strength and weakness, how we see God…
It drives me nuts to see these videos that exploit people and don’t tell their story how they mean to say it. I know I’m guilty of it, it takes more than just an interview here and there, it really takes lots of time understanding and getting to know people which I know I won’t be able to get on my trips. That’s why it’s so important to either have a national on your team, or better yet, to train up a team of nationals.
Anyway, okay, yeah…meh…
Now that you’ve seen the sparks of insanity going off in my brain after a long day of travel and nervousness for the road ahead, you may now go and hyperventilate and praise God that He didn’t make you that crazy!
As you can see, I’ve got internet, so feel free to email, skype or facebook me! I will try and post a video tomorrow or something.
Have a good night! or day…or afternoon….or evening…
